miscellany

26 june 2018


SO HOW DID WE GET TO HERE ?

LIKE

THESE

WISH I’D WRITTEN THESE

CONTACT

school photos

WRITTEN

THESE

BUT

SERIOUSLY -

ARTICLES

etc.

           All original writing

           2014, 2015, 2016, 2017,            2018        Ian McLauchlin

AND THESE

VARIOUS EMAILS


12 Oct 2017:

Been waiting in all day and finally the phone rang. It was one of my old friends  02116 893 692. Complete with Indian accent, so I knew it was genuine.

"Hello, how are you today?"

I just love it when they're so concerned for your health and well-being yet they hardly know you.

"I'm calling from BT about your broadband."

That's nice. What about it?

"Someone's using you broadband without you knowing."

How do YOU know?

"Are you sitting in front of your computer now Sir?"

Somehow somebody's betrayed my trust and told them that I'm ALWAYS sitting in front of my computer (except for preparing meals, calls of nature, changing beds, putting out bins, starting washing machine, hanging washing, shopping for food, making tea, vacuuming, watering pots, baskets and troughs, bringing bins in, collecting post, reading assorted books magazines and technical literature etc. Oh and watching TV (evenings only).)

OK, you know so much about me, tell me what my current IP address is.

"192. xxx.yyy.zzz"

Sorry what is it?

"I've just told you."

Well it's wrong.     

Would you believe it, he just rang off.     Without even wishing me well, both now and in the future.

Upside? I wasted his time. Downside? The number called doesn't exist so I can't block it. Ah well. Only another 24 hours till the next bit of fun . . .

20 Sep 2017:

Women's Football World Cup qualifying match - England v. Russia.

England were superb and ran rings round their opponents. One Russian team member was sent off in the first half. Result 6-0 to England. But this commentary caught my ear:

"And it's the start of the second half and Russia begin with only 10 men . . . ."

19 Sep 2017:

Seen on House of Commons Tory Members Notice Board.

Nominations are now invited for the following Awards . . .

Outstanding Liar of the Year

Outstanding Misuse of Statistics

Outstanding Promise of Same Sum of Money the Most Times

Outstanding Speech Writer for Most Broken Promises Made

Outstanding Undermining of PM without her noticing

Most MPs in a Simultaneous Back Stabbing Circle

Hunt Prize for Slow Yet Deadly Destruction of National Treasures

Loudest Braying at Prime Minister's Question Time

UN Peace Prize for Most Arms sold to Terrorist Nations

Gove Prize for Most Changes of Allegiance in 15 Minutes

Results to be announced, to thunderous applause or else, at The Party Conference.

17 Sep 2017:

I enjoy Victoria Coren-Mitchell's BBC TV programme 'Only Connect' on a Friday evening.  So I thought I'd try setting some of my own questions.

What's the connection between each of the four in the following set of questions?

1.    WestBromwich    Devizes    Calne    Berwick-on-Tweed

2.    PSYou    ThingsToday    YesIs        WeOut

3.    Emilia    Laurence        James    Lydia

4.    Iron        Rialto    Vauxhall        Nose

5.    Corn        Market        De        Sun           

6.    Bucket    Starboard        Wish        Endangered

7.    Cactus    Galaxy    Pulsar    Astra

8.    Express    Align        Leyton    East

9.    Running        Stack    Flemish    Herringbone   

10.  NapoleanBonaparte        LechWalesa    MarcoPolo        JohnLennon

Solution here.