rochdale herald A

10 december 2020

SO HOW DID WE GET TO HERE ?

THESE

WISH I’D WRITTEN THESE

All original writing

2014, 2015, 2016,

2017, 2018, 2019,

2020, 2021, 2022,

2023, 2024

Dr Ian McLauchlin

ROCHDALE HERALD A

4 Mar 18

PUB OPENING HOURS TO BE EXTENDED FOR ROYAL WEDDING.

In a bid to satisfy the Royal Family's cravings, pubs around Windsor will stay open into the early hours. Prince Harry was reported as saying that experience has shown him that Windsor Castle's cellars aren't big enough to hold the prodigious amounts of drink that the Family will need after the ceremony.

In fact, as a gesture of goodwill, both of the betrothed have decided to throw open the Castle's wine cellars to the Windsor homeless, thereby keeping them off the streets and thus invisible to the Foreign Press and other Dignitaries. It will also remove the need for street cleaners to collect all the empties and will avoid the costly process of quarantining and fumigating the sleeping bags. It is understood that Street Cleaner's union bosses are threatening to call a strike over the plan.

Special shipments of dry roasted peanuts have also been arranged, as Prince Harry is known to be partial. In fact it's rumoured that this variety of nut, consumed in vast quantities over many years, is primarily responsible for the Prince's hair colouring.

Buckingham Palace made no comment on the proposals. Not surprising, as The Palace is in fact an inanimate object.

4 Mar 18

LACOSTE REPLACES ICONIC CROCODILE LOGO WITH ENDANGERED SPECIES

In a bid to enhance its Green credentials, Lacoste is drawing attention to endangered species by replacing the crocodile logo with images of Brexit Tories. Wily Liam Fox wanted to be the first but was beaten to the honour by Michael Goat as it was thought the glasses would be more recognisable. Other shortlisted candidates are Loris and Beest-Moggy. In a bid to deflect criticism, it was pointed out that the theme of 'reptiles' was continuing.

When asked what would happen to the crocodile, Lacoste said it would be recycled rather than go to landfill, while shedding tears which looked suspiciously like crocodile ones.

A spokesman for alligators snapped that he'd been against the use of crocodiles from the start and had had to develop a thick skin to survive.

Cayman Islanders pointed out that the Lacoste Company would no longer be welcome and their use of the Tax Haven status of the Islands would cease, even though they vehemently denied that the Islands had any Tax-fiddling facilities at all, never, ever. The representative was then rushed to hospital with severely dislocated fingers which had been dangerously and recklessly crossed behind his back.

15 Mar 18

LONDON TRIALS FREE WATER REFILLS

In a shock development, London is offering free water for MPs. As the top-up trolley passed through the House of Commons, in a move co-ordinated by the Whips Office, MPs were seen to cover their glasses of spirits with the other hand. The Clerk of Works was summoned, as that synchronous movement by over 473 members caused the Palace of Westminster to shift perceptibly towards the river.

Fortunately Big Ben only chimed the quarter of an hour. If the water refill trial had taken place three quarters of an hour later (or a quarter of an hour earlier) the whole Palace could have ended up in the Thames.

As fears for the Boat Race receded, both Oxford and Cambridge, in unison, breathed a huge sigh of relief. This caused an older Oxford College to slide imperceptibly into the Isis and a Cambridge Punt Tour Guide to push his pole deep into the Cam. To avoid the free water refill, he grabbed the pole and said goodbye to the punt. River wardens were last seen approaching, tickets in hand, shouting "You can't stick that pole there".

The Chief Whip's Office was unavailable for comment as all hands were on glasses.