miscellany

26 june 2018


SO HOW DID WE GET TO HERE ?

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WISH I’D WRITTEN THESE

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WRITTEN

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           All original writing

           2014, 2015, 2016, 2017,            2018        Ian McLauchlin

AND THESE

ROCHDALE HERALD B


15 Mar 18

EDINBURGH NAMED AS UK'S MOST ATTRACTIVE CITY

Insect repellent sold out today as Edinburgh played host to swarms of Scotland's midge and mosquito population after the attractiveness of the City was splashed across billboards earlier and pheromones in the ink permeated skywards.

Shortages of calamine lotion were also reported. "I tried to buy 50 bottles of calamine lotion this morning", said an angry shopper "but the shelves were bare. It's just like the bread shortage a week ago. I didn't know mosquitoes hated bread."

Edinburgh Council Leader, Angus McCoatup, said that it was welcome news and anything that puts Edinburgh on the map was a Good Thing. Ordnance Survey officials were seen racing to the City, hoping for a lucrative contract.

Cardiff Council was forced to pretend that nothing had happened north of the border and anyway, calamine lotion was ineffective against dragons, clearing up the conundrum that Cardiff shops were overrun with that strange pink liquid.

The London Mayor declared that attractiveness was not everything and leafy squares littered with chip papers, syringes and condoms had a quaint unfathomable charm.

The organisers of the survey, InsectRepellentsRus, said that they couldn't keep up with the unexpected demand and may have to go into liquidation, or lotion, or something.


16 Mar 18

STEPHEN HAWKING: RSPB TO OPEN HAWK SANCTUARY IN HIS MEMORY

In a ceremony of the utmost gravity, the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has announced the establishment of the Hawking Annexe for Large Endangered Birds of Prey or HALE BOP.  

Using the famed robotic voice machine for authenticity, Sir Roger Penrose explained "The RSPB has completely misunderstood the work of Stephen but we're going along with it to avoid embarrassment. It's what Stephen would have wanted."

To keep youngsters amused there will be track events including manic electric wheelchair races and balloon popping to simulate the Big Bang. A new toilet block will be named "The Black Hole". In the winter, the aviaries will be kept at a suitable temperature by cosmic background radiators.

It was further announced that the gardener has been tasked with mowing the field equations and posting new activities on the Event Horizon. As a novelty, the first week will feature Yorkshire elocution lessons where you'll be taught how to pronounce 'Eeeeee by gum equals m c squared'.

It has been revealed that, in the few days after the sanctuary opened, the best-selling item at the obligatory Exit Shop has been the popular device for keeping the dust off coffee tables while simultaneously educating you about herbs  - 'A Brief History of Thyme'.

In a separate ceremony, Stephen Hawking was buried in a simple grave in the corner of the sanctuary following the construction, by the graveside, of a wheel chair ramp made of Plancks. This allowed him to get up speed and do a triple somersault before entering the hole upside down in no time at all. Periodic visits by well-wishers will keep the battery charged, so any disembodied voice crying for help will be heard.

The family have requested that any notices declaring "No Hawkers, No Circulars, No Singularities" be removed